Oh, I can hear the gay jokes now.
"Hey ROHAWRB, why you not like strip clubs? FART BLARG FART You like the company of MAN PARTS IN YOUR FACE?"
Satisfied? ... no?
"Your new name is 'BUTT SPIELUNKER RAWRB!'"
Alright, surely you must be don--
"When you go to a restaurant and the server takes your order, do you order a glass of orange juice and a plate full of PENISES (or Penii, whatever is the adequate plural) with a side of freshly prepared TESTICLESZ?"
Well, that was uncalled for but I--
"You want to explore space, don't you RAWRHB? You want to discover Planet Dickius, land there, make friends with natives, start a new Dick Colony, discover new types of Dickiusness, and swim in the vast, unexplored oceans of dicks!"
Really? You done?
"BUTTSEX IS YOU"
A Rant Before The Rant
Now before you assume I'm about to jump into the "I was raised to respect women" theology other anti-strip club rants usually launch into, don't worry - I'm not going there. While I was raised with that notion in mind, I quickly learned that "respecting women" certainly doesn't mean "let them walk all over you." But that's another blog for another time. A very long, angry, funny, rant-filled blog.
I certainly do not think strip clubs are degrading. Nope. The ladies that choose to take their clothes off for a living make that decision themselves, even though they probably aspired to be something... more.
I'm not here to judge...
... wait, okay, I am. BUT I plan on doing it in a funny way! That makes it alright - right?
(That was rhetorical)
Let's go down on the countdown.
5. Those awkward moments when you turn down lap dances
Anyone who's been to a strip joint knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Despite the time(s) you might've gone, or the quality of strip club, there's always at least that one stripper that's, plainly put, not attractive in the slightest.
She just shouldn't be stripping.
Hell, she should never take clothes off. EVER.
And despite your efforts to avoid her, she'll always approach you...
... and offer up a lap dance.
'Tis a shameful, mortifying experience that even a thousand hours of genital intimacy from various cacti wouldn't be able to remedy.
4. Paying money to walk out frustrated
I'm not talking just sexually frustrated; I'm also talking about FINANCIALLY frustrated.
It's a lose/lose situation. You give money to chicks to give you a boner (scientifically put), and after that she does the same thing to some other dudes afterwards.
What's the appeal here again?
3. What you see is NOT what you get
I love how these "Gentlemens' Establishments" use black lights and a dimly lit atmosphere to "cover up" the moles, pimples, bullet holes, extra fingers, etc. The more black lights and dimmer the room, the more likely those ladies are hiding... "stuff."
In this case, I suppose it's better to hide the scaries. Enjoy the illusion! And we all know this isn't always the case, but you'd be surprised.
Don't watch HD porn either. YIKES.
2. No, that one cool hot stripper doesn't actually like you
I've heard the "alpha-wanna-be-guy" stories where some dude will walk into a strip club, be suave, and nail the stripper in the VIP room or some crap. What's that? Wow! You were able to play on an already insecure stripper's emotions to get her to fiddle your junk! Quick, call the Nobel Peace Prize committee! You deserve worldwide recognition for your significant accomplishment!
Listen Captain Tough-Awesome-Hercules-Titanium, I don't care. At all.
While we're on this subject, "exotic dancers" are ALL insecure on some level; usually an astronomical level. They don't just get MONEY out of stripping, they also get this little thing called EMOTIONAL VALIDATION!
Anyway, let's paint a hypothetical. Let's say, for whatever stupid reason, she really is enamoured with you and invites you to a special location for some "privacy."
I'd be willing to bet half-a-continent that you aren't the first guy she's done that to, and you WON'T be the last. Why is this a big deal? Let me read them off to you.
Chancroid, Chlamydia, Granuloma, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Candidiasis, Hepatitis B, Herpes Simplex, HIV, HPV, Molluscum contagiousum, Crabs, Scabies, and Trichomoniasis
Don't misunderstand. I enjoy SUPER SEXUAL RHOMPUS LAND just as much as any other red-blooded guy, but strippers are usually more sexually active than non-stripping womens due to their profession. That tends to mean they're more likely to be collecting STDs like Pokemon.
Gotta catch 'em all.
1. The "other" guys in the club
Hey fellas. Next time you're in a strip club take a look around for a moment at the OTHER gentlemen there.
Now take note of the level of sleaze that is present.
There's a reason why this one is number one. No matter how much you justify it, no matter how much sugar you coat it with, you're forehead-deep in that cesspool of pure, uncut SLEAZE.
These guys - these "regulars" - have to pay money to coerce women to pay attention to them. Think about that.
I know that sometimes there'll be an occasion when you and your buddies go to a strip club to celebrate a birthday, or a bachelor party, or whatever. That's completely understandable. Sometimes it's just fun to hang with your posse/crew/homies/douche congregation in a place filled with naked ladies.
Just don't ignore that sudden urge to take seventy-eight hot, anti-bacterial showers when you get home.
You know what a funny word is? NARDS. "My NARDS are fungi free!" YAY!