(Warning: This blog is relentless and somewhat explicit. Not work safe. Etc.)

Okay, I will say this: I'm not going to draw any dicks.

Feel the relief.

I'll also say this: This blog is going to be extremely difficult to articulate without coming across as a hypersexed walking boner monster.

The purpose here is to discuss the struggle between the two brains that occupy/infest the male psyche.

The word "struggle" does not even justify the seemingly infinite multidimensional perversions that every man battles internally.

I'm also disovering that the older I get, the more apparant and powerful this struggle becomes. It's very difficult to concentrate on the task at hand.

Louis CK has an incredible knack on explaining this. (Warning: Explicit language, just like you like it.)

There are times when I look down at the crotch region and go, "You are such an annoyance. I'd get so much more done if you'd like, go away."

But without those crazy hormones and such testosterone-driven ambition, I believe that many significant achievements wouldn't have happened throughout history.

Seriously! You know the classic, stereotypical scenario where the nerdy guy at the beach gets rejected while the muscular guy walks away with the bikini clad hotties? Then, the nerdy guy hits the gym, comes back later on, and steals them ladies?

Hmm... that might be way too much of an obscure, outdated example...

How about this scene in "The Social Network" where Zuckerberg gets rejected by the lady he fancies:

What you don't see after this (and I searched and searched for the entire scene but could NOT find it) is when Zucky storms out of the restaurant in a fit of frustration saying, "We need to expand."

This might be a little over-dramatic (it is just a movie), but there's so much truth to this. Guy gets rejected, guy wants to win the affection of a lady, guy does everything possible to enhance his social status to create more value to her, guy hopes that new status will win lady, then they henceforth have sweaty, raunchy sex on horseback into the sunset.

Hmm. This scenario requires planning.

Of course, his mistake was thinking that she's interested in only his status.

We'll touch on this a bit more later.

The "Penis Brain" Process

The internal tug-of-war that happens when a female is introduced into just about ANY scenario can often be... how to put this... THERMONUCLEAR.

The SYNAPSES that trigger the HORMONES that trigger the URGES that make the Penis Brain conscience is nothing short of an crazy, internal EXPLOSION. Or implosion. Either way, it's very destructive if a man allows it to be.

All men have this "problem." It dates back to our primitve, primordial urge to dominate and reproduce OVER and OVER and OVER until we're dead.

I'm fairly certain the Penis Brain voice talks like a caveman.

It's a constant struggle between being civilized and letting the wang just completely take over. The latter is perfectly fine once CONSENT is given (obviously), but just getting to that point without pushing her coveted "creep" button is considered an art form nowadays.

Now the "problem" has been identified. Is there a "solution?"

There are many, actually.

5) Pornographic materials and "self-love."

The medical science community calls it, "Masturbation." Normal people have given it several goofy nicknames. "Wanking." "Slappin' the Salami." "Buffing the meat-stick." "Punishing the politician." "Formatting your D:\ Drive."

Might've made that last one up...

Anyway, yes. Masturbacationism. Gettin' off and dealing with urges without the assistance of another presence.

This is a relatively effective temporary solution. The pros far outweigh the cons, despite what your moral stance on the whole subject is. It relieves stress, tension, and has been proven by science that "taking Petey for a stroll" has various health benefits.

The cons? Delusional perception of reality. Some men will get far too wrapped up with pornographic fantasies that they'll think real-life women are all gigantic sex-starved sluts who want it in all orifices.

Women are undoubtedly sexual creatures (if they weren't you wouldn't be reading this right now), some more than others, but they tend to have more control of their urges.

Dunno how they do it either. Something to do with puppies, kittens, and baked goods.

4) Video Games?

Uh, I guess you could play video games instead of trying to deal with Penis Brain.

Of course, I think video games solve everything, so I'd take this one with a delicious grain of garlic salt.

3) Urge Control

Some men are better at this than others. However, ALL men will have the same urges.

Ladies, if a man is talking to you for the first time, especially if he approached you, both brains are going and fighting each other throughout your conversation.

In other words, if he didn't try to mount the female immediately, his Penis Brain did not win the sub-atomic struggle.

2) Pursue them dreams without apology...

... and the ladies will eventually notice.

Earlier we discussed "status" and where/why/how it can affect snagging a lady. The real question is, are women attracted to status? The answer is: Absolutely.

I haven't taken any formal surveys, NOR have I conducted any real research, but if you put an average-looking guy who is a multi-millionaire next to a really good looking dude who makes minimum wage, I'm fairly certain the ladies would gravitate towards Mr. Moneybags.

This doesn't mean all women are gold-diggers. It simply means that the more stable, reliable guy will be more likely to KEEP the woman around while the better-lookin' fella might get a few sexy times with her, but she likely WON'T stick around with him.

More importantly though, don't acheive status to impress women. Don't acheive status to impress ANYONE, period. Create things that YOU enjoy because there is only one YOU. The other seven billion people can just deal with that.

Generally speaking, acheiving status is more likely to satisfy BOTH brains. This is a serious win/win.

1) Finding that someone who likes that side of you.

Women are severe perverts. Matter of fact, I firmly (SHUT UP) and deeply (SHUT UP) believe that they are bigger (ARRRRGH) perverts than men.

They have to keep their perverted side under control, moreso than men, because the second they become willing and open themselves up (this is starting to sound intentional, heh), men WILL notice and take advantage.

Women tend to be more cautious regarding sexy games because they carry the majority of the risk. Dunno if you knew this, but the biological purpose for sexy times is to...

*GASP*

 

make babies.

 

Scariest. Purpose. Ever.

Becoming pregnant is a HUGE deal for women. HUUUUUUUUUGE. They're biologically programmed to be selective with whom they SEXIFY, because it's literally them risking their lives.

Seriously. Women can still die from childbirth or various other complications, despite the advantages of modern medicine and surgery. Kind of a big deal.

So if they're going to risk their lives on the chance of becoming pregnant, they wanna make sure their mate isn't a complete douchnozzle!

Fellas. If you get rejected or crash and burn, think about that.

To the Fairer Sex

If you just happen to be female and are somehow still reading this disturbing/awesome article, there are a few more tidbits of perspective I'd like to share:

1. Wow, you're SERIOUSLY still reading?
2. If a guy approaches you and flirts, it was his PENIS BRAIN that made that decision.
3. How you present yourself is directly proportional to the type of men you will attract. This goes beyond just looks, but you probably already know this.
4. It's sometimes difficult for us to not accentuate the conversation with the occasional pelvic thrust.
5. The male wants to lend you his wang very much. Try to appreciate his restraint on not just brandishing it right then and there.
6. If you get approached and you aren't interested, APPRECIATE his bravery anyway and try to be friendly. You can totally be a jerk if he can't take a hint; some dudes are just oblivious and dumb.
7. If things are going well, it's likely at some point you're gonna want that Penis Brain to take over for both of your benefit. In other words, the Penis Brain can be a great thing.
8. I'm still not exactly sure where the penis brain is located. Some would assume inside of the wang. You can both discuss this at great length with pie charts and diagrams.

Thoughts? Insight? Plop 'em in the comments. I'm interested to see whatcha have to say.

"Butts."