Malls. Seriously, what the hell ARE those things? The fearsome shopping black hole of death? The pre-teen hormonal cesspool of awkwardness? The financial leechmonster of bankruptcy?
They are ALL OF THESE THINGS, and so much more.
When I was in Junior High, the Permian Mall in Odessa, TX (now called the Music City Mall - heh) was a two-mile bike ride from my house. I had made several treks there to stare at Nintendo games as well as Super Nintendo games later on. One particular time I had saved up enough allowance money to ride, IN THE RAIN, to purchase a copy of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest.
Yes, THIS game:
Image Courtesy of Lazy Google Image Search
This was my life.
It was a simple life, and at the time I adored having a "gargantuan" shopping resource. I also spent time there with friends to go and "hang out" to "look at girls."
As I got older I started to dislike going to the mall. Maybe I was beginning to discover my innate introversion, or maybe it was the fact that they closed the awesome arcade I enjoyed there as a kid. Who knows.
The thing that later replaced the mall as "the thing to do - OMG we're so effing bored" was to "cruise the drag."
This "Cruising the Drag" nonsense consisted of me and my friends piling into a vehicle and driving up and down a select couple of miles on two major roads in the city. If I remember right... it started at an Arby's on 42nd and turned around at a Sonic on Andrew's Highway.
Oh dear GOD. Why does my brain remember this?
What was going on - I think - was the younger people in town to hang out, start fights, show off car-guy shit, etc. It was completely and utterly boring in every possible way.
Anyway, I'm digressing the shit out of this blog.
The point is this: Malls suck. Here's six of my own personal reasons on WHY they suck.
6. Malls have only 2 stores I actually care about
It's pretty obvious: shops and stores in malls most definitely do NOT cater to the introverted gaming/musician/nerd combo.
Sometimes they'll have an Apple Store, or maybe a Starbucks. Then it's up to FOUR mall thingies that aren't crap!
Five if they brought back arcades. Anyone up for a six player game of X-Men?!
Fuck you, I'm Wolverine.
Okay, I've gotta do a blog about arcades. *writes furiously on yet another sticky note*
5. Feeling fashionablly inadequate
I'm not gonna lie - I don't keep up the TRENDZZZ and FASHIONZzZ like all the cool kids do. I wear stuff that either 1) makes me laugh and/or 2) covers up my junk.
Also, some of the fashion stores are all direct knock-offs of each other too, which begs the question: How do you NOT get option paralysis when you're looking at overpriced pieces of shiny cloth?
4. The overwhelming torrent of scents from those candle stores
Have you ever walked into a very busy scent-based store? Everyone is trying EVERY scent at once. The mixture of scents somehow becomes an unholy cloud of overzealous pleasure scents. They combine their essence to form...
... ESTROGENIUM!
3. Shitcrap music played in the stores
I swear that store owners at these malls find their music nestled at the bottom of bargain bins of truck stops.
How awesome would it be to walk into Victoria's Secret and hear Dilinger Escape Plan earfucking all who enter?
Pause and think about it.
...
... okay, I'll draw it:
2. Salesmen Islands of Doom
I'm going to lose some of my audience probably, but screw it: I loathe salesmen.
I can appreciate that whole comission concept and the need to sell stuff; hell, I do that all the time with Psychostick and (eventually) this very site.
My problem is that "slick" car salesmen thing that malls seem to be infested with at those "Islands" scattered about.
One time I walked past some douche trying to sell me some fancy, imported moisturizer. Yes, that's right: LOTION. I politely said, "No thank you." He persisted. I continued to be polite and eventually had to say, "Dude, I'm not buying lotion. I have no money."
His nice demeanor changed instantly when I said, "no money." It was shocking. He scoffed loudly and angrily, as if I was wasting HIS time, and walked back to his stupid island to pounce on his next victim.
On my way out of the mall later on I walked by the same salesjerk again. He didn't remember me. "Hey man, I've got some premium imported Brazilian hand creme that all the ladies love--"
I hopped back, took a slight Street Fighter stance and said, "I'm the NO MONEY guy, remember?!" I proceeded to pull out my wallet, open it up, and show how empty it was.
He looked at me, slightly confused, then responded: "You've got a debit card."
"You're... REALLY annoying," I said as I laughed and walked away. He continued to TRY and sell me on his stupid lotion.
I loathe you, mall-island douchenozzles.
1. People who go there to "hang out" and walk slowly
I think this might be the single most irritating thing about malls. You know that whole "hanging out" thing I did as a kid as previously mentioned? Apparently that STILL happens.
Look, if you like going to the mall to grind your stupid elbows with your chums - that's fine. Just get the HELL out of the way. Do it to the side of the walkways. Please.
Then when you're 31 and have the time to write about shit that annoys you while drawing crappy pictures, you'll appreciate the finer things in life. Like commenting below, OR, reading up on other blogs.
Sorry; I went salesjerk on you there for a second. :(
