How to Fail at Dating

By Rawrb on August 1st 2012, 1:00 AM

Oh! A blog on dating? What's next - Theoretical Thermonuclear Space Physics? At least THAT would be less complicated.

Well this blog is just something I felt that needed to happen. Lots of room for controversy AND, for lack of better word, funny drawringz!

I would also like to point out that this blog comes from personal experience and are just my opinions. They're not necessarily fact (hard to believe, I know). Agree or disagree all you want; just don't take it to heart. It's all in good fun.


Got it? Good. Enjoy.

Ugh, Dating? REALLY?

Some of you might have seen this coming. Some of you who know me on a personal level (that narrows it down to three people) might even say that this was LONG overdue.

We weren't exactly educated on dating in school. Instead we were "educated" on sex.

Sex education in the deep south.

How the hell are we supposed to learn about the social awkwardness? The sweaty palms? I mean, for all we knew dating was just... sex!

Young and stupid! Together again!

I recall sex education being mostly scare tactics and religious nonsense that insulted me and my peers' intelligence, but that's just me.

Anyway, this blog isn't about failing at SEX. This is about failing at DATING. There is a connection, but it's not as significant as you'd think.

I would write a blog about failing at sex, but I've never actually "failed" at that. Put the thing in the thing. Done.

This means sex!

... what? There is no failure there... technically.

Oh, and on a personal note, I am NOT a dating expert. Not even close. I am, however, an expert on what DOESN'T work! Heed this guide carefully. Knowing what not to do can be just as important as knowing what to do.

So here's what NOT to do, in somewhat explicit detail.

Fail #1: Putting too much emphasis on finding "The One."

Dating isn't the fucking Matrix. You're not Morpheus.

They don't stock soulmates; but they have plenty of sheetrock screws!

That little comic there is a bit truthful. I knew a girl once who actually took time to walk up and down the beer sections of grocery stores in hopes she'd meet her special guy.

Not exactly tactile, is it? What kind of guy was she hoping to meet?

(I even asked her out later on and she turned me down. ME. Can you BELIEVE IT?!)

Look, we could debate on that whole "soulmate" thing until the cows combust. Many people like to idealize "The Perfect Match" for various reasons. I'd like to blame fairy tales and movies for this horrible way of approaching dating.

Speaking of...

Fail #2: Using Movies and Pop Culture as a Frame of Reference for Dating

This drives me batshit CRAZY.

Us men sure produce bacon!

Edward's character from Twilight is quite possibly the perfect example of this. For those who don't know this character, consider yourself fortunate, but for your sake I'll summarize:


Edward is a powerful immortal vampire from the 1800s.

*pause for laughter*

Therefore he's "old fashioned," aka "complete wussbag." When he approaches the incredibly boring and mediocre Bella, he's laughably smitten and does everything and anything to "keep her safe." This includes sneaking in her bedroom to watch her sleep AND sabotaging her truck to keep her from going places.

Hardy har har! Edward sparkles like GLITTER AT A RAVE

I don't know about you, but if I would have done HALF - no - 1/16th of the things that Edward did "for" Bella, I would have probably had more than one restraining order filed against me AND I might've enjoyed carving my beloved's name on the wall in a jail cell a few times.

So like I said, DO NOT USE MOVIES AS A REFERENCE FOR DATING. Reality does not compute with make-believe. You will be left extremely disappointed.

Oh, and uh *ahem* as an aside, I know these Twilight characters thanks to Rifftrax, not due to casual Twilight-watching. I want that to be VERY clear.

Fail #3: Not Talking

Yep. What do I mean by, "Not Talking?"

This doesn't work.

Yep. If you don't talk to him/her, you won't get anywhere.

"Well no shit," you're probably thinking. I know it seems incredibly simple and stupid, but I have to point this out because I used to have this very problem.

Guys tend to have this fear of talking to women because, well, there's that slim-to-none chance that some sort of alpha-male-gorilla-man could appear out of nowhere and Kamehameha their asses into oblivion.

Believe it or not, this is actually a deep-seeded fear that is etched into our very DNA because that very thing USED to happen in our caveman days.

Except for, sadly, the Dragonball-eque energy blast.

Okay look. Guys (and sometimes ladies), you gotta do SOMETHING. You gotta make a move of some kind even if you're afraid. There will be no progress if you don't. Period.

Anyone else feel explosive when talking to sluts?

Women tend to have the edge here because they don't normally have to make "the approach." Of course there's that whole "ying to the yang" thing - women tend to wrestle more with clothes, make-up, and overall physical appearance in general.

I guess if I had to choose, being a chauvinistic male is way simpler. Oh wait, that totally worked out for me!

*high fives self*

Fail #4: Presentation Goofiness

I might ruffle a few feathers out there, but we'll leave the ass-kissing and catering to them weenie politicians.

How you present yourself is directly proportional to the type of person you attract.

Sounds simple, right? I frequently notice this mistake. Ladies, I truly mean no offense, but if you dress like a bar skank, GUESS WHAT TYPE OF GUY YOU WILL ATTRACT?

She's as cold as something ice like?

I'm not saying it's wrong to dress slutty. Hell; walk around in a transparent thong with LED lights for all I care.

(excuse me while I file a patent)

Anyway, I think ladies that dress like this already know this stuff on some level. I mean, it's not like you think you're the only hottie out there, right?

Plenty of fish or some crap.

I could go on and on here but I think you get the point.

On the flip side, when a guy tries WAY too hard to appear as captain alpha-tough-muscles, he will attract the crazies. A smart woman might feel attracted to him physically but she'll be able to separate her brain from her loins and think, "Didn't I see this douche-noodle on Tool Academy?"

Fail #5: Relying Strictly on Online Dating

Online dating is fickle. Some have better success than others. Of course, "success" is relative.

Online dating - it's the new pink/black/whatever.

Dating actually does requires actual human interaction. Sorry World of Warcrafters; it's true. You can "sext" all you want; it's still not actual sex. You can Skype all night and day; it's STILL not real person-to-person intimacy.

World of SEXCRAFT? To some... yes.

I've tried online dating before and have had disastrous results. The first time I tried it I was 18 and had just moved to a strange new city. The girl I ended up meeting suddenly tells me she has a boyfriend (after I picked her up), then my truck broke down, and her stupid fat boisterous overly-opinionated friend showed up to "rescue" her stupid fa--

*ahem* Sorry. My point is that online dating is worth trying, but don't put your hopes and dreams into it. Some do well at it, some don't. Just remember that eventually you'll have to step outside of your home and actually interact.

By "interact" I mean "gropey-touchey-feelie-squishy-goodness." Unless you fuck things up.

DON'T fuck things up.

Fail #6: Fucking Things Up

Oops, I just covered that.

Fail #7: Not be yourself

I know this might sound like a cheesy moment from Full House, but if you just relax and be yourself, things will always work out one way or another.

I hear COBOL gets the lady parts quivering.

Here's the cold reality: If you're not yourself, who the hell are you? He/She will discover who you really are eventually. Then what?

Fail #8: Not knowing what you want

And finally... WHY are you dating? Are you just lonely? Do you crave affection? Do you just want to get laid? Are you looking to find someone to marry and produce gobs and gobs of babies?

It helps knowing what you're in it for. There's nothing wrong with choosing the "just getting laid" option, but you HAVE to be honest with whom you bring to bed.

Now that's not very nice.

If you're not honest you'll eventually come across that crazy person that will end up doing something you'll both regret. Remember, dudes have had their penises forcefully removed from their torso by messing with the wrong crazy person.

Knowing is half the apple.

This isn't exactly a comprehensive guide, but hopefully it'll kickstart your brainmeat into action. The dating world isn't as tough as you might think. People just tend to get extremely uptight about it and end up shooting themselves in the foot. Lots of USER ERROR.

People actually do this. Now you're gonna try it, huh?

Here are some simple guidelines to find someone "in your ballpark," which is far more effective than finding someone who is perfect:

  1. Someone you're attracted to regardless of physical imperfections (but don't be naive; physical attraction is important)
  2. Someone who you laugh WITH.
  3. Someone who you mostly agree with, but not completely agree with. That'd get pretty boring.
  4. Someone on a mental health level similar to yours. For instance, if you're a positive, optimistic person, WHY would you date a negative, pessimistic shitbag?

I can probably add more to that impressive numbered list, but you're a smart guy/gal that may or may not be looking for a man/woman to fulfill his/her and/or your/their life/cookie jar that might/might not figure things out!

PS - Feel free to ask Rawrb (me) for dating advice in the comments. He (I) will tell you exactly what NOT to do!

Official Psychostick Merchandise!


In a Band to Get Chicks (and failing).